Wednesday, September 26, 2007


So I currently work at a little burner and boiler parts wholesaler. I've been trained in industrial instrumentation and I have my C Gas Ticket, which in BC means I can work on residential gas appliances. I've wanted to be out on the tools for a long time now, and I've finally done it.

I'm angry though, I was the only woman in my classes and of course I was the only one who got stuck in sales. I make less then my classmates and it's taken me two years of making contacts and proving myself to get this opportunity. I had to challenge the beliefs of the guy who finally did hire me. He was disbelieving of the fact that I could and would "swing a pipe wrench".

Now I am working 5 days at my sales job (I finish my contract in December), I work Saturdays for my new employer, I've been going to the gym 2-4 days a week to get in shape for this new job and on top of it all, my new employer wants me to study for my Power Engineering Certificate. I'm doing it all, but I feel like I'm just barely holding it together.

This Saturday will mark day 4 of this new job. So far I've helped install a boiler feedwater tank, do a boiler inspection and fit up a stainless steel steam heat exchanger. I've done a lot of grunt work (threading and fitting pipe) and I've also learned so much. I've also been physically able to do almost everything I needed to do. The one thing I couldn't do, which was breaking seized pipe unions, I will be able to do shortly. Another month or two at the gym and all this grunt work on the weekends, and I will have biceps of steel baby! Then I'll show those unions who's boss!

Despite all this, the fact that I've been doing it all, that I can see the changes in my body, that I know I will continue to get stronger, that I know I can pick up new skills quickly, that the people I'm working with seem to be pretty awesome, I'm terrified.
I'm terrified that I'm going to run into something I won't be able to do, to learn, to figure out. I'm terrified that I'm going to be told I'm not strong/competent/able enough to do the job.
I'm terrified my feet will start to hurt again and I will either be in pain constantly or I will just have to quit. (I had to leave a wharehouse job because of plantar fasciitis, it was several months of constant pain before I did though)

Then there is this tremendous pressure I feel. I feel like if I fail at this, my entire gender will be judged because of it. If I don't make it, my new employer will never hire another woman. That the customers I've met will "know" that it was a mistake for the company to hire me. This is bullshit, but given my experience, I know in some ways it's not far from the truth.

Last Saturday we worked in a Punjabi Dairy. I could feel the looks, varied from disdain, to outrage, to disbelief that I was there, that I was doing a "man's job".

All of this, and I can't fucking wait till I'm at this full time. I love building and creating, working with the tools, troubleshooting and solving problems. I love the physical nature of the job, cranking away at the fittings, climbing up or crouching down and wedging yourself between things. I love the the people and the places, always something new. I love the satisfaction of a difficult problem solved, of a beautifully done job, of a happy new owner.

So I breath, and take this one day at a time. What else can I do?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

And on a totally personal note...

My triad broke into a possible V yesterday, my two loves Bob and Lyn broke it off after nine years. I know Bob and I are still involved, but I'm not sure about Lyn. Feeling a bit lost and uncomfortable. I haven't lost anybody (yet), but that wonderful energy that the three of us had together is no more.

Right, I haven't posted in a while

Ahh well, life has been busy.

I've been reading a bunch of poly blogs dealing with my own angst, figuring my own shit out and what's come up a few places is labels.

Now I used to rebel against labels, but not so much now, but I think it would be better if people understood that a label can just be a starting point. I identify as a bisexual, polyamorous, kinky, eco-consious, feminist tradeswoman. That says a lot about me, but certainly not *everything* about me. It doesn't say that I make a mean batch of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, or that I prefer showers to baths and it also doesn't tell you the subtleties of each label, because under each of those labels there is room for difference.

The poly label says I'm not monogamous, my good friend would agree with that, though her style of polyamoury is much different than my own, she prefers to have a primary partner and several secondary relationships, I have found myself happily in a triad. You can be many different degrees on the bisexual spectrum, I find myself somewhere in the middle with a slight lean towards lesbian, I don't think I could tell you where exactly I fit and I know people who sit on either side of me in that regard. I'm kinky and again the spectrum of kink is so large and varied, both in wether you like to top/bottom, dom/sub or all or any combination and what kind of activities. I'd need a whole article to get to the nitty gritty of what my kink is.
Anyway, Labels can be useful in starting off communication, and if there isn't one that you think fits for you, make one up and explain it to people, maybe it will catch on.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Thinking Green

Just thought I'd do a quick post about the green challenge over at Slate. They are on week 5 of 7, but you can still go back and do previous weeks.
It's an interesting way to help you be aware about how much CO2 you are producing.

Heh, I guess that's all for now.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I admit it

I was all consumerist for mothers day.
I bought a card and an orchid and off I went. I hate it, but I hate these stupid holidays so much, but with my family who are all really into that stuff, it just looks like I don't care.
If I didn't hate it so much I wouldn't put it off until the last minute when I come up with some great ideas that of course take a while to put together.

Of course I think what my mom appreciated more was that I faced the hoard that is our extended family for her. And gods, I was in no good mood for it. Yipe. I'm a bit of a black sheep in the family already, and most of them, okay, practically all of them don't know I'm poly and kinky and they probably don't know how feminist I am. I've avoided politics in my family since my grandfather called me a "naive little girl" for my views. As the personal life goes, there is a lot of editing. I do my best to not out and out lie, but I certainly omit a lot.

So now, I know I don't have many, if any readers yet, but if you do happen to stumble upon this, how open are you to your family about your life? And this goes for everybody, do they know basically what you do everyday? If you are some flavor of queer, do they know? Do they know the nitty-gritty or more big picture?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I had a party last night..

So, no particularly feminist posts today, well, maybe when I get back from grocery shopping.
But I will say that if my house was warm before, now it's smoking. Well over 25 people squished into my suite and I made a toast! And only one glass broke!
Well, I'm off to get some food and enjoy the sun.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Today I was reading a bi womans email list I belong to, someone posted about how people are often trying to match her up with people of opposite gender and that of course got me thinking about my own experiences. While I was only dating one woman for quite a while, someone asked if I had given up on men, lately one lesbian friend wanted to set me up with a woman and another wanted to see me paired up with a woman... She wanted to see me "happy". I don't see how being paired up inherently makes you happy. I think I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I'm pretty independent right now despite the fact that I have two lovers. Apparently that doesn't count in the eyes of others. I don't live with them and aren't glued to their sides all the time like many couples I know.
I also wonder if this happens to guys, I doubt it. Women aren't complete unless they have another half. Men are already complete. Bleh. Bunk.
Last night I slept between my two loves.

Last night I performed in a concert with a band that is made up of people who love those of the same gender, or those who are understanding of it.

Last night I introduced a complex social web of multiple lovers, ex roommates ex girlfriend, out of town friend, old friend and occasional fuck, friend of a friend and incredibly close ex.

Last night I watched a powerful scene with people who understand that pain can be inflicted lovingly.

The other day a girl was stoned to death for loving someone she wasn't supposed to.

My first reaction is that I am so lucky to live where I do and be surrounded by such amazing people.

But after I think about it some more I am just appalled at the hate in the world especially of the hate directed at women.

I just don't understand it.